This is the first thing that I've published in a while. I’ve been working on my novel when the mood suits me… I hope to finish it by Thanksgiving of 2009 and self-publish by twenty-ten. In the mean time, the following story is a tale mixing my love of the rain with my hatred of Yuppies and the Garden State.
The Unfortunate Event at Exit Fourteen
Rod Tanzol
Part One
Trim—in a half vacant bed inside a Hoboken apartment—awoke one dreary day to the musical ringing of his cellphone. He answered it dully and groggily, “Hello?”
Through some static, he could hear his caller’s voice. Angrily, it said, “God damn it! Are you still asleep? You were supposed to have driven me to LaGuardia today!”
Wincing in pain, Trim replied, “Don’t be so loud, Snapple. I had a rough night last night.”
“A rough night?” she furiously questioned. “I had a rough night! I was packing while you sat on your ass and drank until you passed out.”
“You let me,” Trim defended himself.
“I let you? No! I told you to get out my way, not to be useless!”
“Hey, I was out of your way at least,” he commiserated in defense of his passive behavior.
“Jesus fuck, you cunt bagger! You’re useless! I couldn’t get you up in the damn morning. I almost called a taxi, but I didn’t feel like spending a fortune. Luckily, Stacy could take me.”
“So where are you now?”
“I’m outside the Holland Tunnel, but this traffic is fucking ridiculous.”
“Have a safe trip. I love you,” Trim pleaded.
“I’ll have a fun time in Vegas without you, shit face. God, I wish I could divorce you before I go! I need to find a better husband.”
“Like I said; I love you too.” The call ended.
Trim finally got out of bed, and the usual sunny atmosphere of his existence was replaced with a blanket of grey. The sky was brooding, and the air was uncomfortably balmy. It was going to rain. Trim, feeling awfully hung-over from a night of inaction, called in to work sick, but offered to work from home for the day.
He went to his desk in the corner of his tiny apartment, and booted his work machine. In a matter of minutes, Trim logged onto his Manhattan office, and began managing files from across the Hudson River. Bored with himself after a matter of five minutes, he turned on the television and let the morning news fill the background with white noise.
Trim trudged through his workload and edited the appropriate spreadsheets until an urgent news brief disrupted the soothing monotony of the regular programming. “It is a tragic day for New York City area motorists. Countless are presumed dead in this eight-car pile-up outside Newark Liberty International Airport. Emergency vehicles are arriving at the scene as we speak.”
Trim ignored the news and attributed it to the mistakes of some lousy New York drivers. He changed the channel hoping to watch some raunchy show on paternity tests. He laughed as the show’s guests publically admitted their innate infidelity and their ignorant disregard for inexpensive sheathes of latex.
Trim’s guilty indulgence was interrupted with yet another news brief. He didn’t pay much attention to it but heard a bunch of familiar phrases: New Jersey Turnpike, exit 14, and Newark Liberty International Airport. He also heard a great share of frightening attention-grabbers: dead, victims, and terror. The last keyword cued him to reconsider his viewing habits. He looked at the corner of the TV screen and saw the name of the only major network to share its name with an animal. The bottom of the screen read, “Airport Terror Attack?” He laughed at the misleading statement disguised with a question mark.
Trim changed the channel. This one offered footage of bodies being removed from the mangled mess of metal. “Thank god little kids watch cable,” he thought to himself. He laid himself across the length of the couch, never noticing his transition from workstation to living room. He laughed aloud at the unfortunate events before him. A moment passed before he realized that something was amiss.
“Why hasn’t Snapple called me to complain about the traffic or her inevitably delayed flight?” he asked himself. To quell his qualms, Trim called the ever polite and beloved woman in his life. It went straight to voicemail. Trim panicked.
“FUCK, fuck, FUCK!” he screamed, “Fuckety, fuck, fuck, FUCK!!! Jesus Fucking Christ!”
After several moments of hysteria, Trim composed himself long enough to call the airline. What did he learn? He learned that Snapple had not yet checked in for her flight. His suspicions were single-mindedly confirmed.
He did not call Snapple again.
He did not hope for the best.
He did not take any time to consider other possibilities.
He did not think about the roads.
He did jump to conclusions.
He did eight shots to calm his nerves.
He did forget every detail of his wife’s trip.
He did act brashly and irrationally.
Trim rushed to his yuppie standard Mini Cooper that awaited him in the parking lot across the street from his apartment. He went through the traffic of Hoboken and then Jersey City. He got onto the Turnpike and drove to exit 14. The traffic moved impossibly slowly past the horrible accident. Trim pulled into the shoulder of the road half a mile back and walked—mostly stumbling—to the scene, crying out his lover’s name.
He was stopped by a cop. “Halt, you fuckin’ psycho! I ain’t seen any Snapple here! Go to the Seven Eleven, y’ prick.”
Barely understandable, Trim cried, “No, Snapple is my wife, not a delicious drink. She was in the car accident!”
“Well, you ain’t getting past here. All the victims were sent to the hospital.”
“Which hospital?” Trim demanded to know.
“All of them,” the police officer answered. “Now, git!
Trim ran back to his car, and waited through traffic. It began to pour. The rain was then followed by a blasting bombardment of lightning strikes. He yelled while hitting his head against his steering wheel, “Oh fuck! How the hell am I supposed to drive in this‽”
He crawled through until he could start speeding up, and speed up he did. Speeding at eighty miles per hour in the pouring rain, Trim lost control.
Conclusion
“Yes, that’s him. That’s Trim,” Snapple cried in the morgue. The scene was too gruesome to describe.
Back at the appointment, she sat on the couch with Stacy. “God fucking damn it! He didn’t even let me get as far as LaGuardia Airport. I really wanted to go to Vegas! That selfish, paranoid, and drunken bastard,” Snapple cried. “Why the fuck was he even on the road?”
“Don’t fret,” Stacy consoled. “Be happy he died your husband; you get all of his crap and his money!”
Snapple smiled. “You’re right. Besides, he never cared much for me.”