The following is comical re-wording of some Bible passages. If you are unfamiliar with the Bible, it’s a book inspired by the Holy Spirit; it justifies corporal punishment and the occasional case of intolerance. For those who may be offended by biblical parodies, understand that it’s all in good fun.
Proverbs 23
Rod Tanzol
Joe and Sarah sat among friends in the cafeteria. Joe was debating with their friend Maria. Maria was a rather conservative Christian, but she was from the Coptic school of thought and not any American church. Joe, however, felt God was irrelevant to our current society. Maria discussed how the Bible was a relevant guide to life. Joe explained that Bible did not pertain to the needs of their current society. However, he said that there was one relevant piece of advice in the old book, “Rear the child with the rod. Corporal punishment works. People respond well to pain.”
Maria, slightly aggravated with Joe’s barbaric view, responded, “The Bible does not condone beating children.”
Joe justified himself, “I don’t condone abuse, but I do believe in strong discipline. Besides, the Bible does suggest hitting kids when it’s necessary.”
The people at the table were paying some attention to the conversation. One Muslim friend Named Ahmed—who often unsavorily joked about being an extremist—interrupted with an ignorant passion, “Your religion is flawed! You have three gods! Joe, you should never have kids! You’ll make a horrible parent!”
Sarah, Joe, Maria, and a few others laughed at Ahmed. Everyone spoke against him, “Shut up, Ahmed!”
“No! I’ll blow you all up!” he joked although it sounded like a convincing threat. Maria shook her head with disapproval.
“Joe, the Bible is not a proponent for corporal punishment. I have read it! Prove to me that your message is in there,” Maria proposed.
“Gladly,” Joe agreed. He motioned to Maria for her copy of the Bible; he instinctively knew that she carried at least one.
“Which version of the Bible do you want?” she asked.
Ahmed asked, “Why do you have so many Bibles, Maria?”
“They are for my Friday night Bible study class,” she explained.
“Do you have the New American Bible, Maria? I’m more familiar with that Catholic one,” Joe requested.
She rolled her eyes and gave it to him. “I’ll read along from my copy of the Bohairic Bible to see if it corresponds,” she affirmed. He thanked her, and then he opened to the Old Testament—the one based on the Torah. Joe opened up to the book of Proverbs. He spent a moment skimming through it. He came across what he needed. He read the evidence aloud, “Proverbs 23:13, ‘Withhold not chastisement from a boy; if you beat him with the rod, he will not die.’”
Maria looked at it in hers. She generally agreed. Ahmed was confused, “What on earth does that mean‽”
Sarah shared her knowledge, “Hit a kid; it won’t kill him!”
Maria frowned upon the blunt and violent message. “Continue, Joe,” she demanded.
Joe read aloud again, “Proverbs 23:14, ‘Beat him with the rod, and you will save him from the nether world.’”
Sarah spoke jokingly, “Beat your kids to save their souls.”
Joe wrapped it up with the classic adage, “Spare the rod; spoil the child.”
“Those don’t mean anything. Those just tell people to keep their kids in line,” Maria claimed.
“It clearly says to use a blunt instrument in the process. You cannot deny it. What does your Bible say?” Joe asked in a scholarly manner.
Maria seemed mildly-frustrated. She asserted, “It doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t hit children. Besides, that’s from the Old Testament. Jesus promotes love and compassion in the New Testament.”
“Jesus loves you, and you are entitled to your opinions,” Joe stated.
“Any more erroneous quotes from the Bible?” Ahmed asked Joe.
“Yes, I have one more,” he said. He read the Bible aloud once more, “Proverbs 23:27, ‘For the harlot is a deep ditch, and the adulteress a narrow pit.’”
Sarah gave her take, “Whores are loose; cheaters are tighter.”
Maria commented, “It has nothing to do with that! You are all going to hell.”
Joe responded with a final quote, “Mathew 7:1-2, ‘Stop judging, that you may not be judged. For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you.’”
Sarah and Joe laughed. Maria glared at Joe. Ahmed and the others at the table were confused. Maria resorted to g-rated insults, “Be quiet, you dummy!”
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